Does Saying No Scare You?
My name is Holly, and I’m a recovering people pleaser.
If you also have trouble setting boundaries, constantly feel like you should be doing various things, don’t really know what to do with yourself when you aren’t saying yes to other people, and feel physically unwell at the idea of saying no to someone, then welcome, you are probably a people pleaser too.
A Big Realisation About People Pleasing
I actually didn’t realise I was a people-pleaser until I was almost 30. I mistakenly thought for the first three decades of my life that people pleasers were those who were pleased to be around other people (a.k.a. extroverts). I am an introvert, so I was sure that couldn’t be me.
At that time, I’d just moved out of London, gone self-employed, and was having a bit of an identity crisis. A well-timed Audible free trial led me to listen to Know Your Worth by Anna Mathur. The book is primarily about self-esteem and confidence, but a section that explained people-pleasing resonated so deeply that it made me cry.
Obviously, knowing that you’re a people pleaser is only step one of fixing the issue. But putting a label on it did make me feel better.
This woman was quietly having an identity crisis
Running A Business Is Basically Therapy
As a fellow small business owner, you’re probably well aware that running a biz often makes you question everything you thought you knew about yourself (or maybe that’s just me!?). Without a boss or wider company telling you what to do, suddenly you have to examine so much about what you think and feel.
For me, creating my own schedule and often being in a very different time zone from clients (Vietnam is six or seven hours ahead of the UK) was great exposure therapy for setting boundaries and learning to say no. If I didn’t advocate for myself, who else would?!
Other things that helped were:
Actual therapy
The book Please Yourself by Emma Reed Turrell (as well as Know Your Worth)
Using technology to help me set boundaries without using mental energy — Do Not Disturb mode and a meeting scheduler like Calendly have been a godsend
Really trying to eliminate the word ‘should’ from my inner monologue
Let Do Not Disturb set boundaries for you 🌙
Saying No Doesn’t Make You A Bad Person
I’m about five years into my people-pleasing recovery now, and it still takes practice not to feel dread when turning down plans or setting a boundary. But more often than not, I can say no to things without feeling like the worst person in the world.
If any of the above has resonated with you, I’m really rooting for you. And if you know anyone who you think might be a people pleaser, keep reminding them it’s ok to say no.
Has running a business helped you realise anything about yourself? Hit reply and let us know. Self-reflection is our jam.
Holly & Sophie
(The Good Eggs) x